[ ah. well - fei du is observant. he's quiet, waiting patiently for jonas's answer with no judgement or real emotion on his face, just a sort of quietly passive audience. he's always been a good listener, and he regards that carefulness and measuredness for what it is. ]
Mm. [ once he's finished, the noise comes quietly, and there's another thoughtful pause. ]
She didn't tell me much. [ comes the offer, first - a little apologetic. there's nothing to worry about, there, and it comes with a small smile, before he continues. ] But she asked me for some help in wording what she wanted to say. In the end, I don't think she needed my help at all, because what she had was better than anything that I came up with.
...but, there was something she said then that caught my eye - that it's impossible to feel human, and to feel right. I understand that feeling too, maybe more than anyone would really know. [ a beat, and then, softening a bit to correct himself: ] Besides her, at least.
...I felt lucky, that I got to spend so much time with her, here, for as unfortunate as the circumstances leading up to it had to be.
[ well. he's still not entirely sure how he feels knowing that someone he trusted and someone who knows he still struggles with fully talking to people or connecting or sorting his emotions has been talking about him to other people he doesn't know as well. it's not even really fei du's fault. it's just a fight or flight instinct kicking in, and for a moment jonas debates aborting entirely because...it's hard to say. they were still shenhe's words, and he is touched she wanted to help him so much, but at the same time there's something a little unnerving in being perceived by someone with less context.
this is all jonas's feelings on the matter, but it does sound like fei du at least read it anyway. he's silent for an extraordinary amount of time, if only because he's not sure what to say.
in the end, he does what he does best and he removes himself entirely from the equation, focusing on the other parts and offering a light, understanding sort of smile. ]
...she's a good person to know. I was happy to spend the time with her that I could, too. I know she may not always think so, but she's done more good than bad here, I think. Which is important when I know she's trying to be someone who helps instead of a person who hurts people. It's why hearing about her mission sucked since it's like detrimental to that. I'm mostly glad she had people over there who could understand what she was going through and how she felt. So...unfortunate circumstances or not, it's a good thing for people to understand other people. I'm glad for that much. [ for them, he means. ]
for fei du it's less knowing jonas and more knowing what shenhe said. it's the same thing that he struggles with, hard as that is to see, or to believe. it's the concept of being human that doesn't feel right, the idea that you're just a monster wearing a mask, wearing silk gloves to cover your claws, learning to emulate, learning to be anyone but who you really are, because you never learned who that person was in the first place. there's familiarity in the struggle of that one sentence, in the way there is familiarity with emotion, with trying to be. all of this was gleaned from what she showed him, her own typed message, and little conversation about the actual topic at hand, but it's hard to reach out when you're just as closed off. he barely knows anything about what jonas had or hadn't gone through - only that in shenhe's response to him, he felt a quiet sort of kinship with the words she wanted to say.
he's gracious and won't push, because there's familiarity in that reroute, too. it's what he would do. he'll take the path that's given. ]
Mm. Her mission was harsh on her, especially. [ his expression is soft, for a moment, brows very delicately furrowed, mouth pulled into a small frown. that had been terrifying. ] And I know that it was hard for her to be separated from you all.
[ some people leave behind craters, when they die. shenhe was one of them.
the expression fades though, into a more polite, warm smile. ] I'm not so sure if I was able to understand, but I'm glad, too. Hopefully, the two of you will be able to be reunited in a form more tangible, soon, as well.
That's all, really. Like I said - it was all contextless, but she was worried for you, so. I just hoped to check in.
[ there was also a lot of context he hadn't given shenhe, alive or erased. that was jonas in a nutshell, really, someone who does far better at caring about other people and desperately trying to be a good person but still believing he's not there yet. as things have happened in this game, that belief wavered further and further. the mission had changed things and caused a bit of a backslide, too.
but he still worries about other things. other people. it's easier than being stuck in place thinking about things he doesn't want to think about. ]
I think everyone's missions were pretty rough. I heard enough about yours to say I wasn't impressed with what you had to go through either. [ from way back when. ] This game has really been designed to fuck with us and figure out the best way to get under our skin. It's...it's weird, right? How that happens. I don't think there was a mission out there that people walked away from completely unharmed physically or mentally. The whole...barrier between the Erased and us didn't help either. Usually when people die that's just...y'know, it. None of the tentative hope you'll see each other again as long as you don't fuck up, none of the letters that are both simultaneously helpful and depressing because you want to actually have the conversations face to face because letters don't work enough. I've buried enough to know.
[ he shrugs though. ]
I figure you must understand enough if she asked for your help, and I appreciate that. I never wanted her to have to be alone, so...it's good to hear she felt she could trust you. [ a wry grin. ] I do appreciate the check in, but I'm gonna be honest, man. I've been more focused on figuring out how to bring you guys back that that's all I want to worry about right now. You know? Until everything's settled here. I can handle my own shit later. People here miss you guys a lot. It's not just about me and people I miss and anything else I have going on. [ it can't be about that right now. it has always been about helping other people. fei du cannot hear his thoughts, but the thought and motivation are there. ]
If anything, I should have checked in with you and other people sooner but...it got hard to keep track of whose usernames were what after a while.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Mm. [ once he's finished, the noise comes quietly, and there's another thoughtful pause. ]
She didn't tell me much. [ comes the offer, first - a little apologetic. there's nothing to worry about, there, and it comes with a small smile, before he continues. ] But she asked me for some help in wording what she wanted to say. In the end, I don't think she needed my help at all, because what she had was better than anything that I came up with.
...but, there was something she said then that caught my eye - that it's impossible to feel human, and to feel right. I understand that feeling too, maybe more than anyone would really know. [ a beat, and then, softening a bit to correct himself: ] Besides her, at least.
...I felt lucky, that I got to spend so much time with her, here, for as unfortunate as the circumstances leading up to it had to be.
no subject
this is all jonas's feelings on the matter, but it does sound like fei du at least read it anyway. he's silent for an extraordinary amount of time, if only because he's not sure what to say.
in the end, he does what he does best and he removes himself entirely from the equation, focusing on the other parts and offering a light, understanding sort of smile. ]
...she's a good person to know. I was happy to spend the time with her that I could, too. I know she may not always think so, but she's done more good than bad here, I think. Which is important when I know she's trying to be someone who helps instead of a person who hurts people. It's why hearing about her mission sucked since it's like detrimental to that. I'm mostly glad she had people over there who could understand what she was going through and how she felt. So...unfortunate circumstances or not, it's a good thing for people to understand other people. I'm glad for that much. [ for them, he means. ]
no subject
for fei du it's less knowing jonas and more knowing what shenhe said. it's the same thing that he struggles with, hard as that is to see, or to believe. it's the concept of being human that doesn't feel right, the idea that you're just a monster wearing a mask, wearing silk gloves to cover your claws, learning to emulate, learning to be anyone but who you really are, because you never learned who that person was in the first place. there's familiarity in the struggle of that one sentence, in the way there is familiarity with emotion, with trying to be. all of this was gleaned from what she showed him, her own typed message, and little conversation about the actual topic at hand, but it's hard to reach out when you're just as closed off. he barely knows anything about what jonas had or hadn't gone through - only that in shenhe's response to him, he felt a quiet sort of kinship with the words she wanted to say.
he's gracious and won't push, because there's familiarity in that reroute, too. it's what he would do. he'll take the path that's given. ]
Mm. Her mission was harsh on her, especially. [ his expression is soft, for a moment, brows very delicately furrowed, mouth pulled into a small frown. that had been terrifying. ] And I know that it was hard for her to be separated from you all.
[ some people leave behind craters, when they die. shenhe was one of them.
the expression fades though, into a more polite, warm smile. ] I'm not so sure if I was able to understand, but I'm glad, too. Hopefully, the two of you will be able to be reunited in a form more tangible, soon, as well.
That's all, really. Like I said - it was all contextless, but she was worried for you, so. I just hoped to check in.
no subject
but he still worries about other things. other people. it's easier than being stuck in place thinking about things he doesn't want to think about. ]
I think everyone's missions were pretty rough. I heard enough about yours to say I wasn't impressed with what you had to go through either. [ from way back when. ] This game has really been designed to fuck with us and figure out the best way to get under our skin. It's...it's weird, right? How that happens. I don't think there was a mission out there that people walked away from completely unharmed physically or mentally. The whole...barrier between the Erased and us didn't help either. Usually when people die that's just...y'know, it. None of the tentative hope you'll see each other again as long as you don't fuck up, none of the letters that are both simultaneously helpful and depressing because you want to actually have the conversations face to face because letters don't work enough. I've buried enough to know.
[ he shrugs though. ]
I figure you must understand enough if she asked for your help, and I appreciate that. I never wanted her to have to be alone, so...it's good to hear she felt she could trust you. [ a wry grin. ] I do appreciate the check in, but I'm gonna be honest, man. I've been more focused on figuring out how to bring you guys back that that's all I want to worry about right now. You know? Until everything's settled here. I can handle my own shit later. People here miss you guys a lot. It's not just about me and people I miss and anything else I have going on. [ it can't be about that right now. it has always been about helping other people. fei du cannot hear his thoughts, but the thought and motivation are there. ]
If anything, I should have checked in with you and other people sooner but...it got hard to keep track of whose usernames were what after a while.