Yeah, change takes time and I believe in that. [ In spite of what was said or whatever truth, story out there... ] I still believe in Wolfwood.
[ Vash wholly believes that Wolfwood would change and that he would stay, but circumstances make it hard. It's shown in how he smiles fondly as he talks about him, though... Yet a part of him resents Wolfwood for leaving him behind again.
Vash has never felt any degree of malice for a human being, but Wolfwood was an exception. ]
It's not really defending. There are some things I disagree with him and some things I wish I'd stood my ground on a little more the last time we talked, but I didn't because I kind of understood where he was trying to come from. I wanted to help him, even though I think I always knew I couldn't. Not in a way that mattered. When you think...you're a person who can't pull good people into your bullshit, you end up pushing people away.
[ there's a half-smile. ]
Not to say I assume I know what your relationship with each other is like. But I think you can believe in a person and still be disappointed by choices they make. Even if they're choices they say are meant to protect you.
[ i thought maybe i'd stop being angry with her weeks ago...but every now and then... ]
[ Backtracking, good sir? Vash listens, smiling the whole time as Jonas goes rambling a little. ]
Okay. You're not defending him. [ if that makes Jonas feels better. ] You're still painting him in a better light than some would back at home. I'm sure he would get mad for what he'd call this "making excuses," but deep down he'd be touched while in the same breath think he doesn't deserve any inkling of understanding.
[ What a dumbass. ]
... He's just a man. He's human. [ ... ] You have a lot of thoughts, Jonas!
[ STOP don't now he's just embarrassed and he looks it? but like. it's vash. so he's not too bad off even if he kind of laughs awkwardly and looks at his feet while rolling back and forth on the board. ]
Yeah he pretty much told me I didn't have to be nice to him, so. I could believe that. Sometimes humans get pushed into doing things they think they have to do. Or they blame themselves for things that aren't really their fault, but they convince themselves it is.
[ he tilts his head just a little. ]
I don't even know what all of my thoughts are anymore, man. [ if they're good, if they're bad...most of them are probably stupid. ]
[ I agree with you. Of course he understands, but Vash might be too understanding of a person. Eventually, he circles big loops around Jonas, making sure he doesn't get in the way of him moving forward. ]
Well, whatever they are, I want to listen to them! [ They're not stupid. ] What are you feeling? Thinking?
[ he considers this for a moment. he doesn't...the thing about it is jonas actually does not really have a problem sharing his feelings. sometimes he shares too many feelings at inappropriate times, but more often than not he just does not because he doesn't fully trust the people he's talking to or himself.
with this, sure, he thinks he can trust vash to tell him these things. but more importantly... ]
Vash, do people check in with you and ask you what you're thinking and feeling? [ he wants to make sure vash is not just ignoring his own feelings by asking about jonas's which. is a fair strategy and one jonas does himself often. ]
[ me reading this like ah i see Jonas is technically more well-adjusted than Vash and Wolfwood, for now. I don't know what happens in oxenfree. maybe he can get worse. ]
... Back at home? [ Let him think about it. ] I was traveling with Wolfwood most of the time. He wasn't the type to pry and his reaction to me being too sad was to smack me with his cross. Yeah, we were in the desert and had to focus on making it to the next town, but he didn't have to!
[ Vash loves WHINING and COMPLAINING. ]
Then things got hectic. Fast. And there wasn't a lot of time. [ Stops skating in circles. ] Here, people do ask.
[ And... I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what to say. And it's just a thought stream about how he's sad, but there's nothing to do about it, then he doesn't want people to be affected by his sadness, so he has to be peppy. Sure, he has confided a bit. Complained a little more genuinely. Somehow, it makes him feel guilty when he already thinks he doesn't deserve comfort. Ultimately, he has to move forward. A lot of this is muffled and fast, so you can pick whatever to latch onto.
[ jonas is unhinged in different ways it is fine. anyway! he listens to all of that, letting himself roll along and pick up little things in these words. having been in nml and living out those 150 years, he can sort of see how that happens. you have to keep moving. you don't really have time to stop for hurt feelings or unsettled things when you have to move or you'll die for standing too still for too long.
not that it's a great way to live.
he picks up...certain things. and some he can infer on basis of knowing certain personality types. seeing certain things from certain girls that jonas has fought about for longer than he should. figuring things that jonas himself has thought, too.
so he blatantly hears "stop having thoughts" and vash's apology and he blinks slowly, startled by the collision of thought. ]
...it gets awkward when people ask because you never know when too much is too much, right? Like...you'd think "it's fine, they asked" but what's the tipping point between "I can tell them these one or two things that are bothering me and can't be fixed" and "I am literally drowning in misery and am only staying afloat out of spite and needing to make sure other people keep moving"? It's complicated when you know everyone around you is feeling a certain way, and you're not sure the way you're feeling is even correct because it's not like anything else can really change.
... I just think it's better if people don't get too close. It's an old habit.
[ I'm a monster, after all. People have given me different ways to look at it to change my mind, but... Once a walking death wish, humanoid typhoon with the hounds of hell trailing after the smell of blood and gunpowder. There's also the fact he would have outlived everyone he meets.
People lived short lives... And yet he smiles all the same as they talk about this. ]
I survived as long as I did because of the promise I made to Rem and Wolfwood. I'm sure people would try to say there should be more to it, or I deserve to live for myself...
[ I'm trying, even though I don't believe that. As they said earlier, change takes time. ]
What you're saying is more of a reflection of yourself, right?
You and Wolfwood seem to share that one. [ which he can't talk, jonas himself has been the same way before. the thought makes him frown though, because that is also. similar. why is everyone from nml so broken. ]
...I think sometimes living for yourself isn't always enough anyway. [ he just comes out to say it, because sometimes you'd be perfectly fine just laying in the dirt and waiting to die. change takes time. sometimes you need other motivations to keep going other than your own will to live.
the question surprises him though, especially coupled with vash's thoughts. ]
It is maybe a reflection of myself, I will admit that. It's normal. [ is it. ]
Shitty priest used to be scared of me, too! A couple of times he'd point a gun to my head when he thought I was unconscious or wasn't looking.
[ In the end, he's just reclusive in his own way, believing it's for everyone's good, a different flavor behind a friendly smile. Monster, monster, monster.
There is more than one way to live. If it helps you survive, it helps you survive. Doesn't disagree there, either. ]
Sure, it's normal for you, but I'm a little touched you're cool with sharing with me despite how I'm close to Livio. [ And just a myriad of thoughts, almost triggered by happiness, that point blame; they remind him to feel guilt, they tell him to remember his place. I don't deserve your kindness or company, but there's also I want to support you and everyone here. Vash is an amalgamation of contradictions. He runs, but he wishes to be close. He wants to be loved, but he won't accept it.
And here he is... Still around, selfishly. ] So...! Where are we at here? I can't promise you'll find the validation you want. I'll still hear you out, though.
Literally why is it always guns? [ is what he says, because what he thinks is i would say i wish you both thought better of yourselves, but i think i can get it.
moving on. it helps to hear the thought reflected, and he lets his skateboard kind of take him around in a circle. there's a tiny little flinch at livio's name, but jonas has decided some time ago that he's not interested in burning bridges with vash or with wolfwood just because of things that have happened. ]
Likewise, I'm a little touched you're still here despite being close to Livio. [ wolfwood had come at him and had made it very clear where his priorities were. jonas couldn't blame him. he's not dumb, he assumes vash also is aware of what's happened and why jonas has a lot of weird feelings on it. but...at his core, jonas wants peace and jonas wants to keep everything casual and friendly and not cause problems again. that's how things have been lately. try to control the anger and be better.
"I’m not gonna say I’m a good guy, Alex. But I’m trying to be. And that’s really about all I can say."
"You're right. I don't have to try to be nice. But if I'm not then how does that make me any better than I was to begin with?"
so...here he is. allowing vash to come as close as he dares. ]
I don't even know if I want validation. I'm...maybe I have no idea what it is I'm looking for. I know what I want, and I know I won't get it, so I think I'm just trying to look at a bigger picture again. If that makes sense?
[ ... I wish you didn't. He's a little sad about that, but thoughts stay thoughts, right? They're being polite about thoughts. ]
Wolfwood's more of the helicopter big brother than me... Livio is also my partner so I don't want to see him be treated poorly, but I trust the big guy to handle his affairs a lot more than I'd trust Wolfwood with that. [ Dumbass would let people misunderstand and think of him as a bad guy. Playing the devil isn't even cool with the kids. Dead and a loser. ] I'm not going to butt in unless it gets out of hand—I know he'd let himself be treated like stinking garbage and I don't want that. Or unless it gets in the way of what we all need to focus on.
[ Them three from pitiful No Man's Land have had their lives dictated by others, so Vash wants to leave room for choice. Reaper's game also shit, so he'd want choice for everyone with what little control they have. Jonas gets a choice, too.
Vash also wants peace, of course, and he goes quiet as he skates alongside him. ]
It makes sense. How do you want to start this off?
Considering the last conversation I had with him, yeah I got that impression. Nothing else really mattered but Livio's safety and that we weren't about to shun him, despite everything. [ he's. trying. but his tone betrays that he's a little frustrated by that because the conversation with wolfwood was all over the place. ] And Livio did mention he was working with you to find Wolfwood, I think. I have no reason to treat Livio poorly now. It doesn't benefit us, nothing would come from it, and pretty much everyone would probably think we were acting irrationally if we did because it wasn't Livio that went after our team. [ but is it really so irrational to be worried razlo will appear again if livio feels threatened? ]
At the same time...I can't tell my team to stop being upset or to have complete trust in him again. I can't tell myself to stop either. But I'll tell you the same thing I told the two of them. We won't be going after Livio, and we won't blame him to his face. We won't be letting our personal feelings on things really get in the way of the end goal. But I won't force them to be forgiving either. It'll have to be neutral at best.
[ ... ]
I'm tired of being mad, honestly, but the longer I think about circumstances the more mad I get? I guess. Not just with Livio and what happened to Setsu, but other things, too. I think...there are things that really only affect me that I'm frustrated about with this game, so it's not something I'm focusing on yet. I want to help, and I know the other two do, too. We want to bring everyone back, just like everybody else. But you've seen the rankings, Vash. We're not anywhere close to the top. What are we supposed to do?
That's what Livio told you? Weird way to lie about helping me stop Knives from enacting a galaxy scale rapture-like human extermination. [ Sometimes you're just a 150 year old brat, but Vash listens to it all first, twirling in one place like an ice skater. ] But thanks. All I'm asking is that he's treated like a person, not a monster or nuisance... And... Maybe you don't want to know, but I can tell you more about the talk Wolfwood and I had when we baited Razlo out earlier this week. It might give you more to think about. Maybe it'd help, maybe it won't. That's there. It doesn't have to be now. It can wait for whenever you're ready. You don't need to listen, either.
In the end, I'm not going to tell you guys that you can't feel what you do. It's natural. We all cope and grieve differently.
[ But that's it on the Livio thing. He isn't going to press on it since it sounds like all parties knows where they stand, maybe. ]
... Feeling like you aren't doing enough? Same club. I think we're all mostly feeling the same way, even though we're trying to support Froggystyle. They should be in the lead after this weekend.
[ Because of some other things they can surmise from trial. It's still hard to know if they have enough points. I hope they do. ]
You guys plan to help if anything goes down. You just said that. That's something. Helping others along, too, is something even if it's just spending time with them and reminding them how to enjoy things again. We're all suffering and surviving this stupid game. We've had to make sacrifices, some of us had to make a choice for this game's complex problem, but... We're all here together. More than ever, we need to remember that.
Trying is better than nothing. [ ... ] I'm not that great at this, if you haven't noticed already.
Well. He said he joined up with you to save the world. [ so he embellished and also i misread. ] ...if it's any different than the conversation I had with Wolfwood, then...maybe, yeah. I'd be interested in knowing how that worked out since all I heard was that Wolfwood and Razlo fought.
[ so yeah, he'll listen. jonas likes to know everything he can even if he won't change his mind. ]
After this weekend...they should, sure. Hard to say until we see the actual rankings but there's some hope in that. [ god i hope. ] All of us are sort of just waiting because what else can we do but watch at this point? Our points don't matter if we aren't first, so all we can do is support them. Right? But you're not wrong. We're planning to do what we can. Everybody...I think everyone is at least aware no one has had easy choices to make. We're all suffering in different ways, so it's fair to try and check on each other. Just like it's fair for people to leave certain people to others. You know?
[ but he huffs. ]
You can't tell me that trying is better than nothing and then try to tell me your version of trying isn't great, you know. I...get that it's not easy to know what to say.
[ and i should be old enough to solve my own problems anyway. even if...I appreciate someone's listening. ]
Hey. I can say that! It's the truth, but I'm not my attempt is worthless.
[ Age doesn't stop people from asking for help. I think I need to learn to do it more. Solitary people they are. ]
That's right, Jonas. The last week is coming and more than half of us left. [ wow funny monday things ] But, for now, we all have each other. We can do things... For each other. It can help us remember we're not alone and that what happened here doesn't need to mold us into something we don't want to be. We can have control over that, at least.
[ ... Well, the story. He takes a long glide. ]
First, did Wolfwood tell you how I won against both of them in the fight?
[ the hilarious part of this is there are still some memory scramblies that sometimes try to tell jonas that vash is a younger sibling but he knows that is not actually correct, so he settles for rolling his eyes to the first part, but a little look of acknowledgement and sympathy to the thought. yeah. they both need to learn to do it more. ]
...all of that makes sense, in theory. And I agree with you. But in practice, of course, it's a lot harder to remember sometimes. All of us have made choices that we have to figure out where to take them and if we'll let them shape us.
[ Vash is an old person, but he does have little sibling energy. Jonas can treat him however he wants and it will depend on Vash's mood how he reacts. ]
May that be our choice. [ ... And yes. ] Well, I did.
The easiest way to start was that we wanted to bait Razlo out so we could finally talk to him. From Thursday night to that time, Livio was unaware of what happened—this... Occurred another time here, I heard. He told me on his mission, he blacked out, but fortunately everyone came out of that safe. That was when I learned about Razlo's existence, but not much more.
[ A lot of things in the manga happen when Vash isn't there, unfortunately. ]
We got him out. Razlo is quite a character, but he explained that he was protecting Livio. The Eye of Michael would never let traitors live—and it's true. They went after Wolfwood's and Livio's orphanage when Wolfwood freed me from my brother's prison. I wondered... Why Razlo felt threatened, anyway, when Wolfwood and I were here. We would protect Livio as best as we could.
But I think it stemmed from promises Wolfwood made us accept from the start of this game, entirely different ones. He wanted me to help him get Livio home, while he told Livio to help him bring us both back. In both cases, we had assumed that... For my case, we would eventually let Justice kill us, then the rest of our team, if push comes to shove. Livio thought the same for his team and purpose. It's a little insane that we both learned about the other promise right there and then.
Wolfwood's a dumbass. [ ... ] But he tried to not make a hard choice for this complex problem by making these choices instead. In the end, it didn't matter because stakes were even higher, but I think it stuck to Livio that he should die for us at any given chance. Livio must have felt alone the whole time and Razlo thought he was the only one who would protect him.
There was already a lot of guilt there between Wolfwood and Livio that they finally got to talk out. Maybe you've heard the same thing from Wolfwood, but there you go. We're just all stupid, fumbling over how to talk to each other.
[ ... ]
I'm sorry, Jonas. Maybe if Wolfwood and I were better people. [ No. ] In the end, what happened happened. With us, with Setsu... It doesn't change any of that.
[ it takes a long time for him to process all of this, and for a few moments it seems like he won't be saying anything at all. he can kind of see exactly how things broke down, what things went wrong, what things conflicted. and he frowns a little the longer vash talks. ]
...Wolfwood is a dumbass. But at the same time I'm surprised the three of you didn't talk about it together in the first place instead of letting Wolfwood make all the promises and deals. [ ... ] Then again, Alex lied to me for weeks so what do I know? I can understand feeling alone, but...again, communication, guys.
I get it though. It's hard to know what to say or how to say it when stakes are high and none of us are ever sure we're going to be okay. I can't really fault anybody for that. As much as I would like to. Also shut up, it's not about being better people. It's...well. I don't know what it's about, but things happened and we can't change it now. I can't change how we feel. You can't change what happened.
All we can do is keep going until we get out of this. I'll be honest when I say I still don't fully trust Livio. But I'm willing to work with him to get to the end goal. [ even if i still don't think justice should win. ]
[ jonas, silently thinking to himself: how are three grown adult men so bad at talking to each other vash, loudly: WHY ARE WE SO BAD ]
Listen...! I guess I never thought I would be that important to him where he'd try to pull off these weird chess moves for me? We had a general talk about teams and how we wanted to distribute! [ STUPID ] For Livio, I get making me promise—that guy is Wolfwood's family. But now that I think about it deeply, Livio would have never agreed to us two going out for him.
[ Massaging his temples as it dawns on him. What is with 4D chess. We should have not let Wolfwood make the decisions. ]
... In the end, what happened happened and we can have opinions. [ Insane idea in delirium because he has been stressed, grieving and mourning, too: ] I'm actually wondering if you want to talk to Razlo or not—maybe beat him up a bit with me chaperoning—but that's not here or there when we might be really busy next week.
[ Vash, for a pacifist, believes fist-fighting can be the answer. That is just a throwaway comment because triguns are all freaks to some degree, though the offer is genuine. As he settles, fine with their conclusion that everyone can still work together, he circles back. ]
Dude. Literally one of the first conversations I ever had with Wolfwood was him stressing out trying to figure out what to do with both of you since you couldn't all be on the same team. He wanted me and Alex to partner up with Livio initially but we'd already formed our team with Setsu and Kazuki by then. You both kinda got played on some level, it sounds like. Also, seriously, why do you and Livio both resort straight to punching? I mean maybe I would have wanted to a little earlier this week but that is neither here or there. I don't think it's going to help now.
...also Razlo is still technically in Livio's body, and I know a losing fight when I see one. [ livio...beeg.
but okay. well. that seems to settle that and so when vash loops back to the alex thing jonas frowns. ]
Anyway...yeah, more or less. If you count lies of omission as lies, which I do in this case since it affects how things are at home and what I actually knew about that situation. We've talked since then, but...I go back and forth on if I'm happy to know the truth or not.
Wolfwood likes to hide things! [ Annoying. ] Sometimes! You just need to let everything out! For some people it's yelling stuff into the void, for others it's definitely throwing some punches! Plus, No Man's Land is just like that. I'm sure I can convince Razlo to go easy, or do nothing, if Livio and I bully him.
[ However, there's a funny thought that is like younger sibling syndrome might also be the reason for roughhousing. Just some lightheartedness to this as much as it's sincere. ]
... People sure like to hide things! [ THIS IS JUST REPEATED. HELP. Sobering now. ] The truth is there whether you like it or not, but I think a part of me understands hiding the truth if it would save the person grief. They find out eventually, though.
[ the thing about it is that vash's internal thoughts here are diffusing the situation and making him laugh, honestly. not like. very obviously, but it's clear he's amused by this train of thought even if he shakes his head. ]
I guess I can't fault him for that. [ all things considered... ] Some of us aren't good at letting stuff out. Or yelling into voids. Punching, yeah, that's fair, but I'm trying to do less of that. I don't want to actually hurt Livio himself but I would like to kind of kill Razlo so we're at an impasse. Nothing to be done, and I'm going to keep myself chill for my team's sake.
[ so yeah. he gets it. but you know. people like to hide things! ]
...with this, I have no idea when she was ever planning on telling me. If at all? I only found out because of those stupid pigs that were blasting our memories everywhere. So now I know that no matter how this ends, Alex and I aren't really going back to the same place. So I'm...strategizing to fix that. Somehow. [ which...i'm still angry about what happened to setsu. i'm still frustrated with how people have handled it. but i have other things i have to try to focus on now. ]
[ yeah unfortunately can't kill razlo unless also livio dies. Vash can't condone that. Jonas being like i think i would rather not hurt Livio, Vash: just punch Razlo through him it's fine. ]
... You guys also have timeline problems, huh. [ God........ ] It's good that you're thinking about it because I for sure have put that aside until I have the capacity to think about it more deeply and not focus on this weird murder game.
[ Because despite everything, he's still anxious about what might come. Which is they explode next Wednesday and learn their friendly NPC wants to girl despair all the dimensions into nothing.
Also, it didn't help that Wolfwood didn't want to talk about it. Livio at least was open and interested. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Vash wholly believes that Wolfwood would change and that he would stay, but circumstances make it hard. It's shown in how he smiles fondly as he talks about him, though... Yet a part of him resents Wolfwood for leaving him behind again.
Vash has never felt any degree of malice for a human being, but Wolfwood was an exception. ]
Thanks for defending him.
[ Against Vash, as weird as this is. ]
no subject
It's not really defending. There are some things I disagree with him and some things I wish I'd stood my ground on a little more the last time we talked, but I didn't because I kind of understood where he was trying to come from. I wanted to help him, even though I think I always knew I couldn't. Not in a way that mattered. When you think...you're a person who can't pull good people into your bullshit, you end up pushing people away.
[ there's a half-smile. ]
Not to say I assume I know what your relationship with each other is like. But I think you can believe in a person and still be disappointed by choices they make. Even if they're choices they say are meant to protect you.
[ i thought maybe i'd stop being angry with her weeks ago...but every now and then... ]
no subject
Okay. You're not defending him. [ if that makes Jonas feels better. ] You're still painting him in a better light than some would back at home. I'm sure he would get mad for what he'd call this "making excuses," but deep down he'd be touched while in the same breath think he doesn't deserve any inkling of understanding.
[ What a dumbass. ]
... He's just a man. He's human. [ ... ] You have a lot of thoughts, Jonas!
[ Teasing. ]
no subject
Yeah he pretty much told me I didn't have to be nice to him, so. I could believe that. Sometimes humans get pushed into doing things they think they have to do. Or they blame themselves for things that aren't really their fault, but they convince themselves it is.
[ he tilts his head just a little. ]
I don't even know what all of my thoughts are anymore, man. [ if they're good, if they're bad...most of them are probably stupid. ]
no subject
[ I agree with you. Of course he understands, but Vash might be too understanding of a person. Eventually, he circles big loops around Jonas, making sure he doesn't get in the way of him moving forward. ]
Well, whatever they are, I want to listen to them! [ They're not stupid. ] What are you feeling? Thinking?
[ ... ]
If they're sad, that's okay, too.
no subject
with this, sure, he thinks he can trust vash to tell him these things. but more importantly... ]
Vash, do people check in with you and ask you what you're thinking and feeling? [ he wants to make sure vash is not just ignoring his own feelings by asking about jonas's which. is a fair strategy and one jonas does himself often. ]
no subject
... Back at home? [ Let him think about it. ] I was traveling with Wolfwood most of the time. He wasn't the type to pry and his reaction to me being too sad was to smack me with his cross. Yeah, we were in the desert and had to focus on making it to the next town, but he didn't have to!
[ Vash loves WHINING and COMPLAINING. ]
Then things got hectic. Fast. And there wasn't a lot of time. [ Stops skating in circles. ] Here, people do ask.
[ And... I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what to say. And it's just a thought stream about how he's sad, but there's nothing to do about it, then he doesn't want people to be affected by his sadness, so he has to be peppy. Sure, he has confided a bit. Complained a little more genuinely. Somehow, it makes him feel guilty when he already thinks he doesn't deserve comfort. Ultimately, he has to move forward. A lot of this is muffled and fast, so you can pick whatever to latch onto.
STOP HAVING THOUGHTS. ]
Sorry.
no subject
not that it's a great way to live.
he picks up...certain things. and some he can infer on basis of knowing certain personality types. seeing certain things from certain girls that jonas has fought about for longer than he should. figuring things that jonas himself has thought, too.
so he blatantly hears "stop having thoughts" and vash's apology and he blinks slowly, startled by the collision of thought. ]
...it gets awkward when people ask because you never know when too much is too much, right? Like...you'd think "it's fine, they asked" but what's the tipping point between "I can tell them these one or two things that are bothering me and can't be fixed" and "I am literally drowning in misery and am only staying afloat out of spite and needing to make sure other people keep moving"? It's complicated when you know everyone around you is feeling a certain way, and you're not sure the way you're feeling is even correct because it's not like anything else can really change.
Something like that?
no subject
[ I'm a monster, after all. People have given me different ways to look at it to change my mind, but... Once a walking death wish, humanoid typhoon with the hounds of hell trailing after the smell of blood and gunpowder. There's also the fact he would have outlived everyone he meets.
People lived short lives... And yet he smiles all the same as they talk about this. ]
I survived as long as I did because of the promise I made to Rem and Wolfwood. I'm sure people would try to say there should be more to it, or I deserve to live for myself...
[ I'm trying, even though I don't believe that. As they said earlier, change takes time. ]
What you're saying is more of a reflection of yourself, right?
no subject
...I think sometimes living for yourself isn't always enough anyway. [ he just comes out to say it, because sometimes you'd be perfectly fine just laying in the dirt and waiting to die. change takes time. sometimes you need other motivations to keep going other than your own will to live.
the question surprises him though, especially coupled with vash's thoughts. ]
It is maybe a reflection of myself, I will admit that. It's normal. [ is it. ]
no subject
[ In the end, he's just reclusive in his own way, believing it's for everyone's good, a different flavor behind a friendly smile. Monster, monster, monster.
There is more than one way to live. If it helps you survive, it helps you survive. Doesn't disagree there, either. ]
Sure, it's normal for you, but I'm a little touched you're cool with sharing with me despite how I'm close to Livio. [ And just a myriad of thoughts, almost triggered by happiness, that point blame; they remind him to feel guilt, they tell him to remember his place. I don't deserve your kindness or company, but there's also I want to support you and everyone here. Vash is an amalgamation of contradictions. He runs, but he wishes to be close. He wants to be loved, but he won't accept it.
And here he is... Still around, selfishly. ] So...! Where are we at here? I can't promise you'll find the validation you want. I'll still hear you out, though.
no subject
moving on. it helps to hear the thought reflected, and he lets his skateboard kind of take him around in a circle. there's a tiny little flinch at livio's name, but jonas has decided some time ago that he's not interested in burning bridges with vash or with wolfwood just because of things that have happened. ]
Likewise, I'm a little touched you're still here despite being close to Livio. [ wolfwood had come at him and had made it very clear where his priorities were. jonas couldn't blame him. he's not dumb, he assumes vash also is aware of what's happened and why jonas has a lot of weird feelings on it. but...at his core, jonas wants peace and jonas wants to keep everything casual and friendly and not cause problems again. that's how things have been lately. try to control the anger and be better.
"I’m not gonna say I’m a good guy, Alex. But I’m trying to be. And that’s really about all I can say."
"You're right. I don't have to try to be nice. But if I'm not then how does that make me any better than I was to begin with?"
so...here he is. allowing vash to come as close as he dares. ]
I don't even know if I want validation. I'm...maybe I have no idea what it is I'm looking for. I know what I want, and I know I won't get it, so I think I'm just trying to look at a bigger picture again. If that makes sense?
no subject
Wolfwood's more of the helicopter big brother than me... Livio is also my partner so I don't want to see him be treated poorly, but I trust the big guy to handle his affairs a lot more than I'd trust Wolfwood with that. [ Dumbass would let people misunderstand and think of him as a bad guy. Playing the devil isn't even cool with the kids. Dead and a loser. ] I'm not going to butt in unless it gets out of hand—I know he'd let himself be treated like stinking garbage and I don't want that. Or unless it gets in the way of what we all need to focus on.
[ Them three from pitiful No Man's Land have had their lives dictated by others, so Vash wants to leave room for choice. Reaper's game also shit, so he'd want choice for everyone with what little control they have. Jonas gets a choice, too.
Vash also wants peace, of course, and he goes quiet as he skates alongside him. ]
It makes sense. How do you want to start this off?
no subject
At the same time...I can't tell my team to stop being upset or to have complete trust in him again. I can't tell myself to stop either. But I'll tell you the same thing I told the two of them. We won't be going after Livio, and we won't blame him to his face. We won't be letting our personal feelings on things really get in the way of the end goal. But I won't force them to be forgiving either. It'll have to be neutral at best.
[ ... ]
I'm tired of being mad, honestly, but the longer I think about circumstances the more mad I get? I guess. Not just with Livio and what happened to Setsu, but other things, too. I think...there are things that really only affect me that I'm frustrated about with this game, so it's not something I'm focusing on yet. I want to help, and I know the other two do, too. We want to bring everyone back, just like everybody else. But you've seen the rankings, Vash. We're not anywhere close to the top. What are we supposed to do?
no subject
In the end, I'm not going to tell you guys that you can't feel what you do. It's natural. We all cope and grieve differently.
[ But that's it on the Livio thing. He isn't going to press on it since it sounds like all parties knows where they stand, maybe. ]
... Feeling like you aren't doing enough? Same club. I think we're all mostly feeling the same way, even though we're trying to support Froggystyle. They should be in the lead after this weekend.
[ Because of some other things they can surmise from trial. It's still hard to know if they have enough points. I hope they do. ]
You guys plan to help if anything goes down. You just said that. That's something. Helping others along, too, is something even if it's just spending time with them and reminding them how to enjoy things again. We're all suffering and surviving this stupid game. We've had to make sacrifices, some of us had to make a choice for this game's complex problem, but... We're all here together. More than ever, we need to remember that.
Trying is better than nothing. [ ... ] I'm not that great at this, if you haven't noticed already.
no subject
[ so yeah, he'll listen. jonas likes to know everything he can even if he won't change his mind. ]
After this weekend...they should, sure. Hard to say until we see the actual rankings but there's some hope in that. [ god i hope. ] All of us are sort of just waiting because what else can we do but watch at this point? Our points don't matter if we aren't first, so all we can do is support them. Right? But you're not wrong. We're planning to do what we can. Everybody...I think everyone is at least aware no one has had easy choices to make. We're all suffering in different ways, so it's fair to try and check on each other. Just like it's fair for people to leave certain people to others. You know?
[ but he huffs. ]
You can't tell me that trying is better than nothing and then try to tell me your version of trying isn't great, you know. I...get that it's not easy to know what to say.
[ and i should be old enough to solve my own problems anyway. even if...I appreciate someone's listening. ]
no subject
[ Age doesn't stop people from asking for help. I think I need to learn to do it more. Solitary people they are. ]
That's right, Jonas. The last week is coming and more than half of us left. [ wow funny monday things ] But, for now, we all have each other. We can do things... For each other. It can help us remember we're not alone and that what happened here doesn't need to mold us into something we don't want to be. We can have control over that, at least.
[ ... Well, the story. He takes a long glide. ]
First, did Wolfwood tell you how I won against both of them in the fight?
no subject
...all of that makes sense, in theory. And I agree with you. But in practice, of course, it's a lot harder to remember sometimes. All of us have made choices that we have to figure out where to take them and if we'll let them shape us.
[ he blinks a little at the question. ]
He neglected to mention that actually, so...no.
no subject
May that be our choice. [ ... And yes. ] Well, I did.
The easiest way to start was that we wanted to bait Razlo out so we could finally talk to him. From Thursday night to that time, Livio was unaware of what happened—this... Occurred another time here, I heard. He told me on his mission, he blacked out, but fortunately everyone came out of that safe. That was when I learned about Razlo's existence, but not much more.
[ A lot of things in the manga happen when Vash isn't there, unfortunately. ]
We got him out. Razlo is quite a character, but he explained that he was protecting Livio. The Eye of Michael would never let traitors live—and it's true. They went after Wolfwood's and Livio's orphanage when Wolfwood freed me from my brother's prison. I wondered... Why Razlo felt threatened, anyway, when Wolfwood and I were here. We would protect Livio as best as we could.
But I think it stemmed from promises Wolfwood made us accept from the start of this game, entirely different ones. He wanted me to help him get Livio home, while he told Livio to help him bring us both back. In both cases, we had assumed that... For my case, we would eventually let Justice kill us, then the rest of our team, if push comes to shove. Livio thought the same for his team and purpose. It's a little insane that we both learned about the other promise right there and then.
Wolfwood's a dumbass. [ ... ] But he tried to not make a hard choice for this complex problem by making these choices instead. In the end, it didn't matter because stakes were even higher, but I think it stuck to Livio that he should die for us at any given chance. Livio must have felt alone the whole time and Razlo thought he was the only one who would protect him.
There was already a lot of guilt there between Wolfwood and Livio that they finally got to talk out. Maybe you've heard the same thing from Wolfwood, but there you go. We're just all stupid, fumbling over how to talk to each other.
[ ... ]
I'm sorry, Jonas. Maybe if Wolfwood and I were better people. [ No. ] In the end, what happened happened. With us, with Setsu... It doesn't change any of that.
no subject
...Wolfwood is a dumbass. But at the same time I'm surprised the three of you didn't talk about it together in the first place instead of letting Wolfwood make all the promises and deals. [ ... ] Then again, Alex lied to me for weeks so what do I know? I can understand feeling alone, but...again, communication, guys.
I get it though. It's hard to know what to say or how to say it when stakes are high and none of us are ever sure we're going to be okay. I can't really fault anybody for that. As much as I would like to. Also shut up, it's not about being better people. It's...well. I don't know what it's about, but things happened and we can't change it now. I can't change how we feel. You can't change what happened.
All we can do is keep going until we get out of this. I'll be honest when I say I still don't fully trust Livio. But I'm willing to work with him to get to the end goal. [ even if i still don't think justice should win. ]
no subject
vash, loudly: WHY ARE WE SO BAD ]
Listen...! I guess I never thought I would be that important to him where he'd try to pull off these weird chess moves for me? We had a general talk about teams and how we wanted to distribute! [ STUPID ] For Livio, I get making me promise—that guy is Wolfwood's family. But now that I think about it deeply, Livio would have never agreed to us two going out for him.
[ Massaging his temples as it dawns on him. What is with 4D chess. We should have not let Wolfwood make the decisions. ]
... In the end, what happened happened and we can have opinions. [ Insane idea in delirium because he has been stressed, grieving and mourning, too: ] I'm actually wondering if you want to talk to Razlo or not—maybe beat him up a bit with me chaperoning—but that's not here or there when we might be really busy next week.
[ Vash, for a pacifist, believes fist-fighting can be the answer. That is just a throwaway comment because triguns are all freaks to some degree, though the offer is genuine. As he settles, fine with their conclusion that everyone can still work together, he circles back. ]
WAIT! Alex lied to you for weeks?!
no subject
...also Razlo is still technically in Livio's body, and I know a losing fight when I see one. [ livio...beeg.
but okay. well. that seems to settle that and so when vash loops back to the alex thing jonas frowns. ]
Anyway...yeah, more or less. If you count lies of omission as lies, which I do in this case since it affects how things are at home and what I actually knew about that situation. We've talked since then, but...I go back and forth on if I'm happy to know the truth or not.
no subject
[ However, there's a funny thought that is like younger sibling syndrome might also be the reason for roughhousing. Just some lightheartedness to this as much as it's sincere. ]
... People sure like to hide things! [ THIS IS JUST REPEATED. HELP. Sobering now. ] The truth is there whether you like it or not, but I think a part of me understands hiding the truth if it would save the person grief. They find out eventually, though.
[ Bad habits. ]
no subject
I guess I can't fault him for that. [ all things considered... ] Some of us aren't good at letting stuff out. Or yelling into voids. Punching, yeah, that's fair, but I'm trying to do less of that. I don't want to actually hurt Livio himself but I would like to kind of kill Razlo so we're at an impasse. Nothing to be done, and I'm going to keep myself chill for my team's sake.
[ so yeah. he gets it. but you know. people like to hide things! ]
...with this, I have no idea when she was ever planning on telling me. If at all? I only found out because of those stupid pigs that were blasting our memories everywhere. So now I know that no matter how this ends, Alex and I aren't really going back to the same place. So I'm...strategizing to fix that. Somehow. [ which...i'm still angry about what happened to setsu. i'm still frustrated with how people have handled it. but i have other things i have to try to focus on now. ]
no subject
... You guys also have timeline problems, huh. [ God........ ] It's good that you're thinking about it because I for sure have put that aside until I have the capacity to think about it more deeply and not focus on this weird murder game.
[ Because despite everything, he's still anxious about what might come. Which is they explode next Wednesday and learn their friendly NPC wants to girl despair all the dimensions into nothing.
Also, it didn't help that Wolfwood didn't want to talk about it. Livio at least was open and interested. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)