[ He is seldom scared of anything in life because he knows he'll most likely survive it, but damn. Emotional scares are different. He is worried about what Jonas has been through.
And needs to dodge the hair question. ]
Got it dyed. [ Haha! Things are different here after all... He doesn't want to worry him. ] You can tell me whatever you want to tell me. I... Know it must have been hard.
... You were only gone for some hours, Jonas. Just Thursday.
[ It is not missing a lot. ]
Maybe it is, but it sounds like my memories are a part of yours now. Whatever you experienced is also yours. [ He smiles, hoping that this would ease him a bit, then a long silence follows. ] Why didn't you guys give up?
Right. Yeah, no, people...have mentioned that. But it doesn't feel like that. It feels more like those hours aren't real and everything we did here is just...really far in the past.
[ interesting question though. he has to think about that one. ]
You're not wrong. I think your memories are ours now, since you were a part of ours. Ever since...we started living with Rem. [ to give him an idea how far back this goes. but he kind of grins on reflex because it's still vash and everything's terrible. ]
Our answers might be different because you might be a better person than me. But I think it's because we still wanted to live. Didn't want to quite give up and think every bad piece of humanity was right. We all kind of felt like we could still maybe help people, or fix the problems we encountered, even when people didn't want us around. Hard to turn your back on people in need even when they're ready to throw you out at a moment's notice or have beef with you or would immediately turn you in for some money.
[ If this wasn't confidence week, he would have needed a long moment, but he only needs a short one. ]
After Knives and I found Tesla, he passed out, but I was awake.
[ And suffered being conscious with the knowledge and stuff. ]
I holed myself up after that, didn't eat despite Rem's multiple attempts. She thought she could entice me with a peach or something since it's meant to be a treat. Before she could start peeling it, I took the knife and tried to end my life. [ Sometimes, us vs them is too scary. They were surrounded by humans on that ship with nowhere to go. ] She grabbed the blade to stop me, but wasn't able to take it back... And in the heat of the moment I stabbed her.
I thought I wouldn't shed a single tear for her.
[ But, you know, he is a softie. ]
I patched her up, hooked her to life support, and later she woke up crying over how I was trying to kill myself. You'd think people would be mad or scared after that. [ BECAUSE HE STABBED HER, PURPOSELY. ] Anyway, she gave me this big speech about how I shouldn't just throw my life away, told me about her dream where she was on a train—which was lost on me because I didn't know what a train was—and that everyone has a blank ticket. Their destination, the future, can be anything and anywhere... It's waiting to be filled out. Somehow she shared all of this while still bawling her eyes out.
That day I learned she looked like she was laughing when she cried. It was kind of ugly.
[ help me. confidence week really do be wildin. that is to say, vash tells him this story, and he's quiet as he listens because it's not...quite? something he knew?? probably for a good reason. he remembers that knives and vash saw what had happened to tesla. he remembers how the boys had been affected.
he doesn't remember any of this, but probably because it wasn't his to remember. the idea...of ending your life due to the horrors of things you've seen...isn't entirely lost on him. sometimes you want to do everything you can to escape, even if the only way to do that is to remove yourself from the picture. sometimes your own fear and anger and twisted emotions land you in hot water and you hurt people.
but he frowns because...well. vash is vash. so the idea that he was scared enough to do this is a lot. he remembers the analogy about the train because rem had told them. but when vash finishes talking, he just...hums a little. tiredly. ]
I don't think anybody looks good when they cry, first of all. [ that's not the point, but it's easiest to say. ] And I think...people probably weren't mad or scared because some people understand what empathy is. You were a scared kid. It's not an excuse, but it's a reason. [ ...still... ] Rem told us about the blank ticket thing, yeah. And I remember it's something you'd told me here, too. It sorta felt like deja vu when we were there but I know it's because I remembered things here.
...where is your blank ticket trying to take you to, Vash? I don't think I ever really asked. [ especially knowing now exactly what kind of life vash has lived. ]
Man. That's really disorienting. Makes me kind of glad my mission trip was mild in comparison.
[ Though the truth is that Vash would have rather swapped places with Jonas. What's another 150 years?
Sometimes people have their own misery to deal with and they should be allowed that privacy. Vash is seldom scared of anything that could possibly kill him. He lives despite always putting himself in danger, despite wanting to chase after his favorite ghosts and the dark night, and I'm here like it is w6 soon someone might pity me.
There is gratitude for the reassurance. They all have their shortcomings and phases. He doesn't think back to the memory with a negative outlook. It's positive, somehow. ]
The appeal is anywhere, right? I don't know, but what I do know is that there will be kind people wherever I end up... Even here, despite the circumstances, there are kind people. [ And, for him, that's enough hope. ] I guess, in a way, our hearts aren't too different.
[ Can't experience love if he's dead, so he wants to live. Humanity isn't bad, after all. ]
I'll be honest. Seventeen was already a pretty long time for me to be living this life, so the added time just made it stranger. [ longer. worse. better. it's a mix bag of emotions, he thinks. ] I never did really hear about your trip, actually.
[ maybe it doesn't matter now. maybe the lesson here is that the past is the past for a reason. it can shape a person, and it can make a person pick a certain path, but...it shouldn't fully define what a person does in their future. ]
I suppose not. It's...[ ... ] I think you might have a heart that's better designed for kindness and trusting people's kindness than I do. But I'm trying to be better about it. I want to be better about it. [ it's a work in progress, he thinks. ] Rem's...you were lucky to have her. Even in spite of everything that happened after. I hope you know that.
... We went to a freaky carnival and at times we would see things, then feel nothing. Made it difficult to stay together when we didn't care fuck all, but the rollercoaster was the last part of the carnival and you all found us in the cars.
[ Vash says this all incredibly annoyed, not at all bothered by it. There may have been more, but this is the best summary despite how there were an incredible amount of shitposts he can make about it. It isn't the time and, honestly, it felt like a feverish dream. Feeling apathy in waves is so far removed from who he is, so it felt like he was dissociating.
But he smiles again. ]
I think trying is better than not trying... And from our time here, Jonas, I think you're a good guy. [ A WIP! Mother talk always has Vash go quiet because it may have been so long ago, but he thinks about Rem unfortunately every single day. ] I know. I'm glad you got to meet her, even if it isn't the real her.
I hope she made you guys feel at home, like she did for me and Knives.
[ honestly this is a completely fair summary and jonas sort of nods along because, well, what else do you say to that. ]
Missions are always designed to make things into a huge mess and fuck with your emotions, apparently.
[ but...somehow vash is still smiling and jonas is kind of amazed by that. ]
I'm...trying to be that, too. Good and bad are subjective and whatever but I know what kind of person I want to be. If somebody else thinks it, then...maybe there's hope. [ honestly. this is a mood though. ] She...didn't even really question why we were there. Just welcomed us and let us stay. She kinda reminded me a little of my own mom, so...it was nice to have that again. Even just for a little while.
The great thing about time is that people can change. I'm rooting for you, Jonas.
[ As the weird ancient annoying friend, or as a once upon a time younger brother in the distant land of CYOA, Vash believes in Jonas. ]
Your mom sounds sweet... [ Because, well, Vash thought Rem was sweet, even if she was an airhead. ] I'd like to hear about her sometime. Not now, or soon, but one day.
...thanks, Vash. I'll take it. [ because sometimes you don't have as much support as you would like, and you don't always think you deserve the support you do get. at the rest of that, though: ]
She was, yeah. [ a pause. ] My mom was probably my favorite person in the world. I haven't...really talked about her much, lately, but one day. I wouldn't mind.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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J-Jonas. A lot can happen in over a hundred years.
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[ WHY THE COLOR. ]
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And needs to dodge the hair question. ]
Got it dyed. [ Haha! Things are different here after all... He doesn't want to worry him. ] You can tell me whatever you want to tell me. I... Know it must have been hard.
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Yeah I see that, but uh...why? I know I missed a lot but this still seems kind of sudden.
[ at that though, he pauses. ]
...it sort of seems like poor taste to relay what I think were your memories back to you, you know? But um. [ ...where to start... ]
...Vash, how did you manage to survive like this for so long? I think there were always days we kinda felt like giving up after a while.
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[ It is not missing a lot. ]
Maybe it is, but it sounds like my memories are a part of yours now. Whatever you experienced is also yours. [ He smiles, hoping that this would ease him a bit, then a long silence follows. ] Why didn't you guys give up?
I wonder if our answers are different.
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[ interesting question though. he has to think about that one. ]
You're not wrong. I think your memories are ours now, since you were a part of ours. Ever since...we started living with Rem. [ to give him an idea how far back this goes. but he kind of grins on reflex because it's still vash and everything's terrible. ]
Our answers might be different because you might be a better person than me. But I think it's because we still wanted to live. Didn't want to quite give up and think every bad piece of humanity was right. We all kind of felt like we could still maybe help people, or fix the problems we encountered, even when people didn't want us around. Hard to turn your back on people in need even when they're ready to throw you out at a moment's notice or have beef with you or would immediately turn you in for some money.
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[ Vash says like that's a normal thing. It isn't. He doesn't think it is. But shit.
At the mention of Rem and listening to Jonas' answer, he also smiles back. It's fond, but morose. ]
I'm going to tell you a story, but maybe you'll already know it if you lived with Rem. [ ... ] At least you can hear it from me.
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[ but...he seems to consider this before there's a slow nod. ]
You should know by now I don't mind listening to you. [ in that lifetime, and in this one, he does see vash as a friend. so. story time. ]
cw: suicide attempt covers your eyes
After Knives and I found Tesla, he passed out, but I was awake.
[ And suffered being conscious with the knowledge and stuff. ]
I holed myself up after that, didn't eat despite Rem's multiple attempts. She thought she could entice me with a peach or something since it's meant to be a treat. Before she could start peeling it, I took the knife and tried to end my life. [ Sometimes, us vs them is too scary. They were surrounded by humans on that ship with nowhere to go. ] She grabbed the blade to stop me, but wasn't able to take it back... And in the heat of the moment I stabbed her.
I thought I wouldn't shed a single tear for her.
[ But, you know, he is a softie. ]
I patched her up, hooked her to life support, and later she woke up crying over how I was trying to kill myself. You'd think people would be mad or scared after that. [ BECAUSE HE STABBED HER, PURPOSELY. ] Anyway, she gave me this big speech about how I shouldn't just throw my life away, told me about her dream where she was on a train—which was lost on me because I didn't know what a train was—and that everyone has a blank ticket. Their destination, the future, can be anything and anywhere... It's waiting to be filled out. Somehow she shared all of this while still bawling her eyes out.
That day I learned she looked like she was laughing when she cried. It was kind of ugly.
[ But in an endearing way. ]
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he doesn't remember any of this, but probably because it wasn't his to remember. the idea...of ending your life due to the horrors of things you've seen...isn't entirely lost on him. sometimes you want to do everything you can to escape, even if the only way to do that is to remove yourself from the picture. sometimes your own fear and anger and twisted emotions land you in hot water and you hurt people.
but he frowns because...well. vash is vash. so the idea that he was scared enough to do this is a lot. he remembers the analogy about the train because rem had told them. but when vash finishes talking, he just...hums a little. tiredly. ]
I don't think anybody looks good when they cry, first of all. [ that's not the point, but it's easiest to say. ] And I think...people probably weren't mad or scared because some people understand what empathy is. You were a scared kid. It's not an excuse, but it's a reason. [ ...still... ] Rem told us about the blank ticket thing, yeah. And I remember it's something you'd told me here, too. It sorta felt like deja vu when we were there but I know it's because I remembered things here.
...where is your blank ticket trying to take you to, Vash? I don't think I ever really asked. [ especially knowing now exactly what kind of life vash has lived. ]
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[ Though the truth is that Vash would have rather swapped places with Jonas. What's another 150 years?
Sometimes people have their own misery to deal with and they should be allowed that privacy. Vash is seldom scared of anything that could possibly kill him. He lives despite always putting himself in danger, despite wanting to chase after his favorite ghosts and the dark night, and I'm here like it is w6 soon someone might pity me.
There is gratitude for the reassurance. They all have their shortcomings and phases. He doesn't think back to the memory with a negative outlook. It's positive, somehow. ]
The appeal is anywhere, right? I don't know, but what I do know is that there will be kind people wherever I end up... Even here, despite the circumstances, there are kind people. [ And, for him, that's enough hope. ] I guess, in a way, our hearts aren't too different.
[ Can't experience love if he's dead, so he wants to live. Humanity isn't bad, after all. ]
Rem wouldn't forgive us if we gave up, anyway.
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[ maybe it doesn't matter now. maybe the lesson here is that the past is the past for a reason. it can shape a person, and it can make a person pick a certain path, but...it shouldn't fully define what a person does in their future. ]
I suppose not. It's...[ ... ] I think you might have a heart that's better designed for kindness and trusting people's kindness than I do. But I'm trying to be better about it. I want to be better about it. [ it's a work in progress, he thinks. ] Rem's...you were lucky to have her. Even in spite of everything that happened after. I hope you know that.
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... We went to a freaky carnival and at times we would see things, then feel nothing. Made it difficult to stay together when we didn't care fuck all, but the rollercoaster was the last part of the carnival and you all found us in the cars.
[ Vash says this all incredibly annoyed, not at all bothered by it. There may have been more, but this is the best summary despite how there were an incredible amount of shitposts he can make about it. It isn't the time and, honestly, it felt like a feverish dream. Feeling apathy in waves is so far removed from who he is, so it felt like he was dissociating.
But he smiles again. ]
I think trying is better than not trying... And from our time here, Jonas, I think you're a good guy. [ A WIP! Mother talk always has Vash go quiet because it may have been so long ago, but he thinks about Rem unfortunately every single day. ] I know. I'm glad you got to meet her, even if it isn't the real her.
I hope she made you guys feel at home, like she did for me and Knives.
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Missions are always designed to make things into a huge mess and fuck with your emotions, apparently.
[ but...somehow vash is still smiling and jonas is kind of amazed by that. ]
I'm...trying to be that, too. Good and bad are subjective and whatever but I know what kind of person I want to be. If somebody else thinks it, then...maybe there's hope. [ honestly. this is a mood though. ] She...didn't even really question why we were there. Just welcomed us and let us stay. She kinda reminded me a little of my own mom, so...it was nice to have that again. Even just for a little while.
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[ As the weird ancient annoying friend, or as a once upon a time younger brother in the distant land of CYOA, Vash believes in Jonas. ]
Your mom sounds sweet... [ Because, well, Vash thought Rem was sweet, even if she was an airhead. ] I'd like to hear about her sometime. Not now, or soon, but one day.
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She was, yeah. [ a pause. ] My mom was probably my favorite person in the world. I haven't...really talked about her much, lately, but one day. I wouldn't mind.
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He places a hand on Jonas' shoulder, but doesn't squeeze or rub. He doesn't know what secret injuries you might have. Just the ghost of a touch. ]
Take your time.
[ no rush. wraps this up ]