[ you don't want to pc by rin's bathwater? unbelievable.
haru would usually comment on the cigarette because it's bad for your lungs and you need lungs to swim. but today, unfortunately, is not usual. jonas seems like someone who's so good at keeping his emotions on lock, and even he's clearly affected by the violence of today. the senseless loss.
haru, as he approaches, is not very good at controlling anything: his emotions are alternating waves of grief and shock, as crushing in their force as the sea. to contrast, his voice is soft and level. ]
Jonas. [ h. hey. ] You were there too, right?
[ he wasn't really taking stock of who was staying and who left. ]
[ stop no we're already sad here!! which is to say that haru's right. jonas is usually good at outwardly keeping his emotions on lock, and inwardly has figured out a way to mostly manage them so people can't see them.
but nobody was expecting the day to turn out like this, and so when haru's emotions come crashing over him jonas is both a little startled and a littl more understanding. it means working a little harder to pull his own grief and anger back in piece by piece, reeling it in like a fish on a line. it's a slow but steady process, but he looks at him carefully before he nods. ]
'til the very end. [ solemnly, and bitterly. ] Maybe that was part of the problem. But...it didn't feel right to leave. Not with how it started.
[ it's hard to stay stoic when misery comes knocking at your door with a battering ram of emotion share. haru is not terribly emotive, but it doesn't make his actual emotions any less potent; they can share in grief and anger, sustained and steady but just as weighted.
he shuts his eyes for a moment, empathizing as he pieces together what to even say. ]
It didn't matter how many of us were there. [ or so he thinks, anyway. there could've been a thousand of them and it would've made no difference. this felt like a foregone conclusion. ] ...It felt wrong to leave. Or stay. Or not to come at all.
Being there didn't give us any time to say goodbye. [ rang just fucking VANISHED ]
[ in an extremely fucked up way, it sort of helps to have an emotional feedback. it makes it easier to understand people who are usually hard to read, and it's maybe why despite the way jonas is trying to throw his own emotions in the garbage he's not shying away from haru's. they're similar feelings. he can understand though, and allow the little threads of exhaustion and fury wind through.
granted, haru continues to speak and there's a flicker of guilt that appears. it's a little guilt and a little frustration at the idea. ]
It always feels like there's no right answer. For some people, even seeing people at their worst and final moments is the closure they need. They'd rather be able to have the option to prepare to say goodbye for good. [ guilt. distress. anger. ]
I...Matsui and I spoke yesterday. And I was going to reach out to Rang today after he had some space. How many of us do you think didn't get last words with either of them? We all know how this game is played and we know people can be erased. But none of us signed up for this. How are we supposed to come back from it?
[ oh—there's a new little droplet of sadness in the vast lake of sadness already there, shaped like sympathy. saying goodbye is hard. expecting to have more time and then suddenly having it ripped away is like losing the ground you're standing on is just as bad. ]
There is no closure.
[ he didn't find it when count d died, and there certainly wasn't any in the mess today. he does not think this will get easier. ]
But I... don't know. [ ... ] Matsui and Buzen talked about—after Rin died. They said they wouldn't want to win like that. Living and knowing what it'd cost. [ child murder trauma ] But we're still here.
[ living, at what cost? ]
And there's still... a long way to go. [ it's week two, ]
I did say for some people. [ which is to say jonas can see that being the reason, but it's not his own. he has his own reasons for the way things are, but he's trying his best not to question or judge too much of other people. ]
Matsui told me he and Buzen had no intention of trying to win if it meant taking the opportunity from a human life. And it just feels like...someone took that to mean they didn't care about being here, and that it wouldn't matter to get rid of them early. That's the part that isn't fair about it. And because of someone's stupid choice, we're all paying the price.
[ all the more reason to be frustrated. ]
...I can't say I'm looking forward to the next couple of weeks. Especially the more we all get to know each other in the first place.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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haru would usually comment on the cigarette because it's bad for your lungs and you need lungs to swim. but today, unfortunately, is not usual. jonas seems like someone who's so good at keeping his emotions on lock, and even he's clearly affected by the violence of today. the senseless loss.
haru, as he approaches, is not very good at controlling anything: his emotions are alternating waves of grief and shock, as crushing in their force as the sea. to contrast, his voice is soft and level. ]
Jonas. [ h. hey. ] You were there too, right?
[ he wasn't really taking stock of who was staying and who left. ]
no subject
but nobody was expecting the day to turn out like this, and so when haru's emotions come crashing over him jonas is both a little startled and a littl more understanding. it means working a little harder to pull his own grief and anger back in piece by piece, reeling it in like a fish on a line. it's a slow but steady process, but he looks at him carefully before he nods. ]
'til the very end. [ solemnly, and bitterly. ] Maybe that was part of the problem. But...it didn't feel right to leave. Not with how it started.
no subject
he shuts his eyes for a moment, empathizing as he pieces together what to even say. ]
It didn't matter how many of us were there. [ or so he thinks, anyway. there could've been a thousand of them and it would've made no difference. this felt like a foregone conclusion. ] ...It felt wrong to leave. Or stay. Or not to come at all.
Being there didn't give us any time to say goodbye. [ rang just fucking VANISHED ]
no subject
granted, haru continues to speak and there's a flicker of guilt that appears. it's a little guilt and a little frustration at the idea. ]
It always feels like there's no right answer. For some people, even seeing people at their worst and final moments is the closure they need. They'd rather be able to have the option to prepare to say goodbye for good. [ guilt. distress. anger. ]
I...Matsui and I spoke yesterday. And I was going to reach out to Rang today after he had some space. How many of us do you think didn't get last words with either of them? We all know how this game is played and we know people can be erased. But none of us signed up for this. How are we supposed to come back from it?
[ IT IS WEEK TWO IN A SEVEN WEEK COMPETITION. ]
no subject
There is no closure.
[ he didn't find it when count d died, and there certainly wasn't any in the mess today. he does not think this will get easier. ]
But I... don't know. [ ... ] Matsui and Buzen talked about—after Rin died. They said they wouldn't want to win like that. Living and knowing what it'd cost. [ child murder trauma ] But we're still here.
[ living, at what cost? ]
And there's still... a long way to go. [ it's week two, ]
no subject
Matsui told me he and Buzen had no intention of trying to win if it meant taking the opportunity from a human life. And it just feels like...someone took that to mean they didn't care about being here, and that it wouldn't matter to get rid of them early. That's the part that isn't fair about it. And because of someone's stupid choice, we're all paying the price.
[ all the more reason to be frustrated. ]
...I can't say I'm looking forward to the next couple of weeks. Especially the more we all get to know each other in the first place.